Changing routes

How did it happen?

When I was a child, I used to dream of world-altering careers–the things I would do for the sake of humanity, socialism… all those idealistic hullaballo that seems to be attainable when you’re still playing with barbie dolls, polly pockets and coralyn. But as you grew older, slowly you realize not everything is yours for the taking. And the world will not follow your every bid.

I am not in the place where 10 years ago I would have sworn I would be in. Neither am I with the same someone I thought to myself I would be loving until hell freezes over. Life is like that at times. It has a funny way of reminding you what really matters… and what in effect, don’t.

I have always been a lucky kid. I have always gotten what I want. I even have the things I don’t think I need. If I put my mind (and heart) to it, I can still chase after the dreams I have since I was running barefoot on the streets (my Mom throwing a fit after I stepped on a broken glass). But the truth is… I changed. And with it, the same dreams that used to cloud my days and nights back then got a little dimmer until I can no longer see it nor feel it.

What used to be dreams of high-heeled, wood-knocking stilletos and crisp, pinstripe suit of authority changed into low-heeled, girly loafers and maybe a best-mom-in-the-world tee with matching apron. Those days of money-making, tongue-slashing positions of authorityno longer belonged to me. They belong to another girl–one who someday will realize too that life is not all about how much you have in the bank or how many people answers to your every whim.

Life is like this… of peace that comes not from the people around you but from within you, of coming to terms with life and with your renewed dreams. And of finding yourself in the midst of a war… Of trusting your heart (and everything that comes with it) on the hands of the same person who could destroy you.

It will never be easy to take the risk in handing over your childhood dreams for a dream that has yet to come into fusion. It is even harder to accept that you’re no longer the same person you were 10 years ago or heck, even two months ago. But love wakes you to a truth about life: you work, you earn and then… you drive home with the knowledge that once you set your feet inside the threshold of your house, someone’s heart will skip a beat by a mere “I’m home” from you.

I have never taken anything akin to a sacrifice (or a risk) in my life. I have always charted what is safe and what offers security. It was not until I’ve been hit by a force stronger than time and distance itself that I realized I want something else for my life. No, not “something else” but “something more.”

For now, those old dreams will have to wait if someday that barbie-toting child would come to revisit them. But today, I dream of what every woman–deep in their hearts–dreams of… waking up to the first day of a lifetime with, in my case, ForeverGuy by my side.

Hearts entwined

It makes me afraid at times–how much I believe that we’re going to end up together. Most of the times,I just want to fast forward to the future so I can see, finally, that he is the man with whom I will spend the rest of my life with. Because no matter how much I force myself to accept that we can’t be certain of what tomorrow will bring, I can’t imagine living the rest of my days without him.

—————————————–

The next sun will bring new hope,
new pain, more tears

It will put a rope around us,
binding us together
or forcing us to break.

But no matter how many sunsets
descends upon us,
my heart sings at your presence
and rejoices in your life.

<3

HAPPY 18TH OF THE MONTH!!!

Who would have thought, huh? You and me. It sounded insane for some. But it has always been perfect for me.

Words of Wisdom from Bob Ong

Bebeth sent me these via e-mail…

1. “Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya..”

2. “Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”

3. “Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

4. “Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.” 

5. “Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.”  

6. “Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo…dapat lumandi ka din.”

7. “Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.” 

8. “Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.”

9. “Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang.”

10. “Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.”

11. “Hindi porke’t madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa.” 

12. “Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka.” 

13. “Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority.” 

14. “Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya.”

15. “Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.”

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan” 

18. “Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!” 

19. “Pakawalan mo yung mga bagay na nakakasakit sa iyo kahit na pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin ang araw na sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo.” 

20. “Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong malalapit sa iyo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo.”

21. “Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal…nakakatakot mahulog…at kapag nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or talagang tanga ka..”

Pretensions

As much as I want to pretend that everything is dandy fine with us, it’s not.  There’s something wrong with how we are handling this whole thing.  It might be too much; it might even be too less but, there in remains this nagging question in my mind: where do we go from here?

Everything’s so… okay.  There is no doubt in my mind and in my heart that he loves me.  At the same time, there is no doubt in my mind and heart that I feel the same way.  It’s just that… jeez… I have always been skeptic of things working out the best for me.  I feel like there’s always something out there waiting for me to take the bait, fall, and crash.

Maybe I’m just entering another phase–some place immortally wounding… and it’s turning me into this great ball of fear.

Save me, my “forever guy.”  Save me.

A Very Special Love

I never believed in love
I was deceived by love
I never had much luck with lovers before
And I couldn’t compete
I seemed just part of the street
To be walked on by everyone but then

Then I found a very special love in you
It’s a feeling that’s so totally new
Over and over, it’s burning inside
I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I’m never gonna let go

You’re not like the rest
I know you’re one of the best
You give more than you should and take nothing in return (in return)
Stay always with me
And I always will be
The one person that you can count on always to love you

And I found a very special love in you
It’s a feeling that’s so totally new
Over and over, it’s burning inside
I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I’m never gonna let go
But I…

Found a very special love in you
It’s a feeling that’s so totally new
Over and over, it’s burning inside
I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I’m never gonna let go

Spoiled Brat

I have already lost count of the times people would call me a spoiled brat. In fact, most of the times, I quite agree with what they have to say. I am spoiled. I always get what I want in the way I want to get it. There are even times I get the things I do not even deserve.

But, there are a few things that differs me from the next little spoiled bratinella.

I never had (and will never have) the one thing we all want–a family.

I saw my father a grand total of two times in my 22 years of existence. The times I have talked to him, I can count with my fingers. There is no love lost between me and him. Sure, we talk, he sometimes even say the “L” word but, there was never a time in my life I actually feel that he gives a damn with what and how I’m feeling at the moment. My father has only one major contribution in my life–his sperm cells.

This abnormality that is my family life is much to be blamed for my inability to love fully. I realized this when Dro kindly told me in the plainest of words… “hindi ka marunong magmahal.” True, I never loved the way he did. There is always my pride to fight with, my fears of rejection to overcome. The only person I allowed myself to love without hesitations, without consequences, in short, unconditionally, is my mother. After her, I never allowed myself to love anyone more than necessary. It always came to a point for me to control my feelings, to put myself before my love. Then… I got my head bumped (figuratively, of course) or whatever you wanna call it.

Last year, I realized that maybe I just loved the wrong man… or at least, tried to love the wrong people in my life. That accounts for my inability to feel beyond a casual kind of love. I’m always asking for something in return and that cannot be the case at all times, right? Then, Dro came along. I never actually thought I’d learn anything from him but was I ever wrong. He taught me the most unselfish kind of love… and more. I learned that I need not be afraid of loving someone and of getting my heart broken (to million pieces, I dare say). I realized something more… something more profound than anything I ever learned about life and love and family: I don’t need anything or anyone (who I can never have) but the people who know me best and love me for who I was, who I am, and who I will be.

I even learned a new concept on love: selfless. When I pray now, I don’t ask for Him to protect me from the pain that love can cost. I pray now that I may not hurt the people who love me and care for me. I would rather watch my heart crumple into tiny pieces than ever see my mom, my aunt and my cousin, and my friends get hurt because of me. More (and this came as a surprise), I’d rather Dro break my heart than I break his. I can never bear the agony of seeing him in pain.

True, there are a lot of things in my life where I should be down on my knees and thanking heaven and earth but, I never felt more grateful in my life than I do today–for the things I have come to realize is as vital to my existence as to that long-ago dream of having a family. There are some things that are truly, truly not meant to be yours yet, in the end, we will meet someone who will make us realize why we never had it in the first place… and things will fall into place because you know that anything and everything that comes before and after that person is a complete anticlimax to what you have today.

Equations of love

We had a fight two nights ago. We talked about it through YM but, he had to leave again even before we settled the issue.

I created an equation out of it:

fight with gf + booze + girls = infidelity

I told Angel about it and she answered back with a formula of her own:

fight with idle gf + overactive imagination = paranoia

In fairness, Angel has a point. This might just be a result of too much idleness, too much free time on my hands. But, you know I have a point too. I’ve got to give myself props for that, diba?

By the way, happy birthday Wab… I miss you.